Bittersweet National Day

Perhaps today is the most apt day to write this post- it's Singapore's National Day (August 9).

Happy 49th Birthday Singapore!!! I love you!



Only I'm not back home, but in Columbus. Whenever someone found out I was returning to Columbus on August 6, they inevitably went, "Huh? Before National Day?" Unfortunately, plane tickets over National Day weekend and after that cost a few hundred dollars more, and I didn't think it was worth it to pay so much more when my ticket was already over $1,700!

But it gets harder to leave home every time. Maybe it's because I'm getting old(er) and ready for more permanency and stability, as opposed to the carefree but unstable life of a single, graduate student. My wanderlust to travel far from home decreases with each passing year.

Or maybe it's because it hit me this trip that my parents are getting older, and I have a duty to take care of them more. My parents are very active and healthy, but still...

Or maybe it's because I find that I'm much more comfortable in an Asian environment, and that I want to raise a family with Asian cultural values. I'm a very Singaporean heartland girl.

Or maybe it's just the food. I'm sorry, but you just can't beat the variety and taste of food in Singapore. I miss the food so so so so so so so so much.

Singapore is not a perfect country- far from it. Just from this trip alone, I've observed how increasingly materialistic Singaporeans are becoming (including myself- I bought SO MUCH clothes this trip). Since the standard of living has drastically increased , the cost of labor/ rent/ service is also very high, which means that EVERYTHING is expensive. I cringed when I walked into a grocery store and saw how much a candy bar cost (S$2.20/US$1.80! In the States, a candy bar costs only US$1). Furthermore, no one really cares about history there, much less American and/ or women's history, so I'm basically screwed if I want to find a job as a history professor.
Also, the dating pool of Mormon men in Singapore is very very very tiny. Just saying. (To be fair, even though the dating pool in America is much bigger, not much dating takes place there either. It's a global problem.)

That's why I appreciate what America has to offer. It truly is a land of opportunity, and I know that if I didn't come to the States to study, I wouldn't have qualified into a PhD program. I've also made so many awesome friends here, and if I move permanently back to Singapore, it is their friendships I will miss the most (thank goodness for Facebook right?). So I do love America.

Yet, there is just something about being home. This secure, breathe-a-sigh-of-relief feeling.
Dick Lee was right when he wrote the lyrics to my favorite National Day song, Home.
"This is home truly, where I know I must be
Where my dreams wait for me, where the river always flows.
This is home surely, as my senses tell me
This is where I won't be alone, for this is where I know it's home."

Does anyone else understand what I'm talking about?

Sadly, I'm afraid all my love for Singapore won't be enough. I don't know if I will ever move back to Singapore permanently because I don't seem to have a place there. I am an American citizen who wants to teach American history- who would hire me?! And even with my Singapore permanent residency (// American green card), I don't qualify for certain benefits that would make life easier. Since the Mormon dating pool is so tiny, I will almost certainly remain single for the rest of my life, and even if I (miracle of miracles!) marry and raise a family there, I, as a full-time homemaker, will be treated as a second-class citizen.

It's a very bittersweet reality.