Grief and fear

I grieve over the election of the Donald Trump as president, not because of the fact that he won the presidency but because of what it revealed to me about the American citizenry. For the first time in my life, I feel unsafe in America.

Perhaps this is something that I should have felt long ago, given that I am aware of the numerous hate crimes and discrimination at a grassroots level. The media has done a tremendous job of highlighting police brutality against the black community, and the white washing that occurs in the entertainment industry. But somehow, deep within me, I hoped. I hoped that these would be isolated incidents of hate and discrimination, and that the vast silent majority of Americans condemned these crimes.

But last night, I was confronted by the ugly truth that American racism, sexism, xenophobia and discrimination is real at a NATIONAL level, and it has real power and momentum. America has spoken, and they want someone who is a white supremacist, sexual harasser, greedy, unkind and morally corrupt to represent and lead them.

Of course, there are many reasons why people voted for Trump that include:
- Their dislike for Clinton and what she stands for;
- Trump was the lesser of two evils;
- They are anti-Establishment;
- They are conservatives who stand by their Party's nominee;
- They are openly Trump supporters;
- They are secret Trump supporters.

And it is is this last group that I fear: the silent majority who voted for Trump in secret, who want Trump to win. On the surface, they seem horrified by Trump, but at the crucial moment, they reveal themselves to have agreed with him all along. And nothing personified this more than Utah, which, oddly enough, became a mini-battleground state. I was appalled that Trump won Utah by a comfortable margin, especially when there was a decent third-party alternative presented to them who had gained substantial positive media coverage. I knew Hilary Clinton would not win Utah, but I crossed my fingers that at least Evan McMullin would triumph over Trump. Show the country and the world that Mormons are rational, thoughtful and responsible voters who will vote for a viable alternate candidate.

In the end, Utah, dominated by people of my own religious community, elected to vote a person who stands for everything un-Mormon into office. Someone pointed out that at least McMullin pulled in over 20% of the votes, a high percentage for a third-party. However, it doesn't erase the fact that Utahns could have stuck their noses to both major parties, and signaled their disapproval of Trump's moral repulsiveness, but squandered away this opportunity.

Whatever reason people voted for Trump, whether it's to ensure a conservative Supreme Court nominee or as a protest vote against modern liberalism or the Establishment or for strategic voting purposes or whatever reason, they chose to place these reasons above electing others candidates who demonstrated basic kindness and human decency.

People say the nation will go on, and it will. There are checks and balances in the governmental system to rein in Trump (or will it?), and I doubt his presidency can/ will cripple a country as big, rich and powerful as the United States. I look out of my window, and people are still going to work and school, or off to run errands, etc. Nothing has changed.

But something has changed inside me. There is a growing sense of fear and mistrust. People have been writing on Facebook that we need to move on and love everyone, even those who voted for Trump. But the reality is that I look at people around me now, and think, "Did you secretly vote for Trump? Are you secretly racist/ sexist/ homophobic/ xenophobic? Do you secretly want me to leave your country, despite the fact that I'm an American citizen? I'm a non-white, Mormon female with liberal leanings-- do I have a place in this society?" Even if they voted for Trump due to other reasons, I cannot shake the insecurity that has been created.

And I fear for my Singaporean sister, who is currently a student at BYU-Provo. She already has a job offer with an accounting firm next year, and Trump's presidency won't change that (at least I hope not), but I'm scared for her. I'm scared that her friends who appear to be chummy, buddy-buddy with her, are the same people back-stabbed her at the polls and elected a demagogue who targets foreigners.

The fear is genuine and deep. It's not about electing Trump as president. It's what his victory tells me about us as American citizens. I hope we understand the repercussions of our actions.