The First Year

Yesterday, I sat on a panel given to first year students in my program titled "Reflections of the First Year."

The First Year.

Such scary words, very scary memories.

My first year was an absolutely mess, and I felt dreadfully lost and overwhelmed. I think I suffered from very mild PTSD, and in no way am I saying this to demean the sacrifice of our soldiers and troops, but believe me, something broke inside, and it took me awhile to recover. I felt like I was thrown into this war zone called "Grad School- Good Luck," and everyday was a battle to get up and go on, instead of defecting and giving up. I sincerely hope no one has to go through the same experience I did.

As I sat on that panel and reflected back my journey so far (I'm in my 3rd year- oh my word!), I couldn't help but think how far I've come. Here are some things I've learned:

1) God is Good. I don't know why this is the path I'm supposed to take (definitely not because of dating/ marriage reasons), but I'm on it and I've learned and grown so much. 

2)  It gets better. I thought I would never say this, but it miraculously does! 

3) Take it one day at a time. Sometimes, the mundane routine (wake-up, eat breakfast, brush teeth, etc.) is the only thing getting me through, but by golly, at least I'm moving. 

4) Be genuinely nice, and things will work out. The academic world of the humanities is very liberal, and it's hard to balance between standing up for your convictions while sympathizing with their point of view. However, as long as you are genuinely nice, most people will respect you and want to make friends with you. 

5) Surround yourself with good friends, both in and out of the department. My friends kept me sane. It was my office mates (a few who have since graduated) that told me to hang in there and that it will get better. It was my fellow grad students that patiently explained who Foucault was and why he mattered (or not), and the idiosyncrasies of the professors in the department. It was my church  friends who made me laugh in times of academic-sorrow and disappointments. Most importantly, going through these experiences with friends has taught me that school, and life, is NOT a competition, but a journey that we need to help each other pass through. 

6) Find at least one outlet that is non-academic related. For me, it was church. Not only did it provide emotional comfort and spiritual feeding, but my church assignments also forced me to serve others and look outside of myself. I realized that there were many others who carried equally heavy burdens, just of a different nature. See #5 again. 

7) Make sure you cultivate a good relationship with your adviser (and other faculty members). It was my adviser who taught me how to write a book review, a historiography paper, and to chill out even though my CV in my first year was horrifyingly bare. Other faculty members have also been very supportive and encouraging in my work. [I'm very fortunate to be in this department.]

8) It's gets better. I can't stress this enough, and that's why I'm repeating this. I honestly didn't know how it could ever get better when I was going through my first year nightmare, and yet, it did. I survived. 

I'm still overwhelmed and lost. I still don't know what my fellow grad students are talking about/ referring to sometimes. I still have a long while to go before I can even think about taking my candidacy exam. I still struggle to defend my views and moral standpoint in an environment that is hostile to my beliefs. But I survived my first, and second, year of graduate school (with a Masters diploma to show for it!), and it has truly been a rich and educating journey.