Lonely versus Lonely

 The New York Times just  published an article about sister missionaries and the difficulties that return sister missionaries face on its front page- from what I've read after quickly glancing over it (it's quite a long article), it seems well-written. Do I have an opinion of it? Yes, of course.

But everyone, please drop what you are doing right now (yes, even reading this blog post), CLINK ON THIS LINK AND READ THIS OP-ED PIECE!!! This article taken from the Utah Valley University (UVU) student paper is an article that speaks to me more than the piece from the NY Times. (Again, I do have opinion about the NY Times article but it is not my intention to comment on that here).
In case the link doesn't work, TRY THIS LINK (okay it's really the same link, but if you don't succeed the first time, try again right?).

If you are not Mormon, please drop me a note and I'll explain the terminology to you.

Also, if you don't like the article from the UVU paper, you can unfriend me from Facebook and real life right now. Because if you don't like the article, I guarantee that you will not like me so you mind as well stop being my friend. I don't subscribe to all the author's views, but I sure do agree 99% with her.

Let me count the 101 ways in which I love this article (alright, maybe only 11 but still!): 

1) The way she pointed out how ridiculous it is that A FEW (not all- I am aware that I should not lump them all together) church leaders measure spiritual preparedness and maturity according to age, mission or marital status. 

2) The way she tried to understand the hesitancy of her church leaders in issuing her a temple recommend instead of simply going on an angry rant saying how unfair the church is and there is gender inequality, blah blah blah. 

3) The way she illustrated how A FEW (once again, not lumping) Mormon/ LDS men do have ridiculous "criteria" of their "future spouses" - "There was the guy who told me, without blinking an eye, that it was weird that I decided to receive my endowments alone, without a husband. And the time a guy flat out told me he wouldn't date me due to my prior endowment. All of these boys were LDS." 

4) The way she refused to let the bad experiences she had with these "boys" sour her from still aiming to date and marry a LDS man - "Another co-worker took it upon himself to inform me that I should date outside of my religion if that's what I wanted...Because apparently Mormon dudes just aren't into a girl like me, whatever that means. I simply refuse to believe that LDS men are that vapid and shallow." 

5) This quote: "When I go back to the congregation I grew up in, the most commonly asked question is whether or not I’m dating anyone. When my answer is that I’m still single I usually get asked why. Not when I graduate or even what I’m planning to do when I’m done with school. Just if I’m dating." 
I understand that people ask about my dating status because they are concerned, so I'm not offended, but I do wish people would stop asking me "why" after they find out I'm still single. Believe me, I wish I knew why too! Also, like she said, my life is more than my (lack of) dating status. 

6) This quote: "I’ve been told I’m too picky and that’s why I’m single. I think that’s funny. Of all the things in this world to be picky about, wouldn’t my eternal companion be at the top of that list? Also, I’m not picky. I’m particular. There’s a massive difference."

7) This quote too: "A coworker...asked me what my type was when it came to dating. I said, in all seriousness, “All I want is a guy who is my equal intellectually and doesn’t look at porn.” She laughed. Apparently that’s unreasonable."

8) And this quote as well: "When I say someone who is my equal intellectually I don’t say that to be uppity. What I mean is that I am a very driven person. I have lofty goals and big aspirations... I want someone who is inspired by my goals, not intimidated. And I want someone who reads, and reads a lot." 

9) Her wit and sense of humor. 

10) The way she ended her editorial piece- which conveys my thoughts exactly: "As I inched towards my 30s, I’ve braced myself for the all too realistic thought that I may not marry in this life and if I do manage to pull that off, I will most likely be well into my 30s. Sometimes I feel like I should try harder, to be a good Mormon girl and focus solely on getting married. That sounds exhausting. I think I’ll conquer the world in the meantime."
Now, I'm not begrudging or judging my girlfriends who married early and now have the "white picket fence and 2.5 kids." I'm sincerely happy for them, and I do NOT believe that they got married because they focused their energies on getting a man (and I don't think the author believes this either).
What I agree with is this writer's conclusion: I'm not going to wait around and bemoan the lack of a man in my life. There are plenty of things I can and should do with my life. This is a time that God has given me to explore, grow and learn more about myself. Graduate school certainly wasn't where I thought I'll end up, but here I am. And while I struggle with grad school, I'm grateful for all that I've learned from going through this painful process. 

11) Finally, the way she articulated the EXTREMELY DIFFICULT choice that (older) single Mormon women (and some men) face:

COMPANIONSHIP BUT NO TEMPLE MARRIAGE
vs.
HOLDING OUT FOR A TEMPLE MARRIAGE THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN

The author isn't advocating either choice but merely demonstrating how difficult it is for singles to cling on when reality smashes idealistic notions of enduring love, temple marriage, and happily ever afters. Either way it's a no-win situation, a case of lonely versus lonely.

The Church should continue to preach the ideal and doctrine of eternal marriage- this is, after all, what the Church stands for. I myself draw hope from this doctrine. But let us also be more understanding and less judgmental of people who choose differently from us. We may strive to emulate Sheri Dew or Barbara Thompson, but it sure is one heck of a lonely and tough road to be on.